Friends or not friends, hmm...

So, at the end of every major event in my life - school year, tour, show, play, etc - I have people that I've come to know and love sign my "Bye-bye book." It's a tradition that I picked up in Taiwan from the LDS missionaries and members of the little branch there, it's kind of like a year book for life. As last night was the closing night of "An Ideal Husband," for which I was stage manager, I had the cast and crew sign the book. Because I don't have sections of the book cordoned off for signing, it's a little adventure every time I read through looking for new signatures, it pulls all my memories together and puts them in a sort of feel good stew. I admit that one of the reasons I started the book was so that I could remember places and people, but another reason is because people always say nice things about me and I want to remember those things even more than I want to remember the people and places. Is that selfish? Maybe. Anyhow, as I was reading through the book this afternoon to see what my new "friends" had written it struck me as odd how many "friends" I have. Everyone who signed the book was very complimentary. They all said things like "you're wonderful," or "how talented you are," "keep in touch," "I'll miss you," and so on. There are even compliments about my voice (singing and speaking, thank-you very much) and a few people even told me I was pretty (which I still don't believe).

Now, the reason that I find this odd is not because I don't think that these people are sincere, I really don't think they'd lie to me, nor is it because I have low self-esteem, which I do, but because I find myself friendless more often than not. It is strange to me that all these people in my life have said what a wonderful person I am, but they never seem to want to spend time with me, or even call (or text, or facebook) to see how I'm doing or what I'm up to. I really try to keep up with what is going on in my friends' lives, and be an active part of their cheerleading team, but I don't have anyone, really, reciprocating the caring. It's really hard sometimes when I have a bad day, or even a good day, and I don't have anyone that I can confide in. I seem to be the person at the party that, when I'm there people are glad to see me, but if I'm not there nobody misses me. It's very sad, lonely, and frustrating.

So, my question to the universe, not that anyone will ever read this (sometimes just asking the question is therapeutic), is: How do I make friends that are really my friends? I seem to have a plethora of friends, just not anyone, nor any one, that is really my "friend" who will care when I am sad, or lonely, or hurting. How can I have that?

I think that part of the reason I'm wondering this now is because I'm hurting now, and I have nobody to confide in. I'm having nightmares, horrors from my past really, that have been stirred up by a horrible happening with one of my students, and I don't feel that I have any friend with whom to share my burden. When I think of all the "friends" that I have, I don't want to share with them because I am afraid that I will alienate them, or I feel that I don't know them well enough, or they have enough problems in their lives without adding mine. Who can I trust? Where and, more importantly, how can I find a friend?

The Theater, The Theater

I love, absolutely love, live theater. I enjoy going to see plays an musicals, but even more I love being involved behind the scenes. Last Summer, I was looking for some theater thing to be involved in, and I found a notice for a play. I e-mailed the director and ended up on the productions staff. I met some fun people, and some not so fun people, and I really loved being involved again. Then, in October, I auditioned for a show with a different theater company. I ended up being cast as an "Usherette" for "1940's Radio Hour". It was kind of a made up role because the director wanted to have a bigger ensemble than the script called for. But the other Usherettes and I rose to the challenge and created a really fun part, including a pre-show of Acapella Christmas carols. During the Christmas season I went back to the theater where I had been on the production staff to see some of my friends in their Christmas show. I ran into the director, and he asked me to be involved with the next show. I agreed, and joined the production staff again. The producer for that show is directing the next show, and she recruited me to be the musical director for that. So, for the last few months, the theater has become my life.

As much as I love it, I'm finding that I don't have time for much else, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. Is it wrong to give up dreams or goals because I've found something else that I love? Is it okay to not have a social life or friends outside the theater when I love the people that I work with there? Is it really acceptable to allow this facet of my life to inhibit my being able to do anything else? I admit that I first got into theater for the joy of performing (after my concert pianist dreams were shattered along with my wrist), and I stayed with it because of the excuses it afforded me to not be at home. But, now I feel that I've been sucked into this magnificent vortex from which there is no escape. At this moment, I don't want to escape, I love my life the way it is. However, I can foresee, in the not too distant future, how this could very well impede my progress in life. I don't have time to meet people, go on dates (or even just out with friends), spend time with my family, exercise, eat properly, sleep, etc.

For now I say "The show must go on!" And I'm dedicated to serving the in the theater because, as crazy as it may sound, it relieves my stress. Theater gives me a chance to get out of my own personal hell and live in another world, many other worlds. Theater is bringing back to me the joy of performing that my wrist injuries took away from me, and I am not going to give that up easily.