I have confidence in...something, there must be something...

This week begins my Spring Break - yay! I don't have to go to school at all this week, so I've got a little time to catch up on things. This week I am trying to memorize my students' opera, all the songs for Charlotte's Web, and a monologue for a Shakespeare thing I want to audition for. Because I'm keeping myself so busy, I'm not going to add a huge goal this week. However, because I want to continue to improve myself, I am going to add a little one: drinking enough water every day. I read somewhere that you should drink half your body weight in ounces of water. For example, if you weigh 100 pounds then you should drink 50 ounces of water a day. Well, I weigh a lot more than 100 pounds, so I will have to drink a lot of water, but I think that this will help with my health. It will make me less hungry, it will keep my kidneys functioning properly, and it will help my complexion - or so I've heard.

I mentioned a Shakespeare thing, I am going to step out of my comfort zone and audition for "A Night of Shakespeare," a little program that one of my friends is throwing together. I love acting and being on the stage, but I don't have the confidence it takes to get cast in the roles I want. I really want to do it, though, so I need to start auditioning for more things. There are only two things that are making me hesitate. One, my schedule - I will be right in the middle of Charlotte's Web. We will be in production by the time rehearsals start, though, and I don't have to go to all the shows, so it's really just looking for an excuse to use CW to get out of auditioning. The other thing that's making me reticent is a guy. I really like him (not romantically, he's just my friend), and I don't want to say or do anything stupid in front of him; I don't want to give him any more reasons to make fun of me.

I need to find a way to gain confidence in my talents and abilities and not let what other people think of me slow me down or stop me from getting what I want. I have been so afraid of what others think for so long, though, that I just don't know how to get around that. I was told growing up conflicting theories on acceptance. My mother told me that I was special, and, beautiful and loved no matter what. My father, on the other hand, told me that I was stupid, and ugly, and nobody would ever want me or love me if I didn't shape up and change things to please others. Why is it that in my heart I know that my mother is the one who is right on this, but my mind only believes the things my father said? Why can't I let go of the hurtful things in my past and move on to a beautiful future? I know that I'm talented and people want me, I just don't believe it sometimes, it's the believing that I need to work on!

So, confidence. Confidence in myself to accomplish and attain. Confidence in my abilities to get my tasks done. And, most importantly, confidence in my Savior to give me the strength to find confidence in myself and abilities, and comfort when confidence cannot be found.

Ah, Music!

I went to a fireside (a devotional/speaker) tonight given by David Glen Hatch. He is a concert pianist, one of the finest in the world. I was very excited to get to hear him play live (I have several of his albums). Dr. Hatch spoke about the worth of souls, and looking at life through different glasses. He reminded us that when we have God in our lives, then we are never alone. It was very uplifting and inspiring. And, of course, he played the piano. Aside from hymns (we were in a church, after all), he played two of my favorite pieces, by two of my favorite composers: "Claire de Lune" by Debussy, and "Prelude in C#" by Rachmaninoff. The reason he picked these two pieces is, he told us, that they were both written during times of great difficulty and sadness for the composers. It was interesting to me how the pieces differ so much in the way they express the grief and loneliness of the composers' lives. Debussy chose to display his emotions in a very calming and uplifting manner, creating a peace for himself when he could find no other. Rachmaninoff, on the other hand, gave a voice to his frustrations and any listener can hear the chaos in this composition. Both pieces, however, are ones that I've turned to in times of personal turmoil to find peace, release, and direction. I am so grateful to God for giving me music in my life; it is a great boon in times of sorrow, frustration, stress, pain, and grief. It is also wonderful to be able to express my joys and excitements in music.

Tonight I was reminded that I, too, was given some talent in music, and I, too, can bring this gift to others, to help them feel closer to our Creator and to learn/know/remember their worth. I was also reminded that I haven't done all I should to be improving this talent. The goal, then, is to practice the piano more often. I just have to remember what I felt tonight about my failing talent, and the desire to improve upon it, because it was very motivating.

I pray that by taking these steps to improve myself, the Lord will bless my efforts and increase my capacity to improve so that I may bless the lives of others.

April Snow Showers

Today is April 3. There are about 6 inches of snow on my driveway right now that all came down in the last 20 hours. I do not like snow. I usually hunker down for the winter and go out as little as possible; kind of like a bear. It makes me not want to do anything at all. But then, I was looking out my window at the trees in my backyard and thinking how pretty it was. I think that it's God's way of letting me know that even the things I don't like in my life can be good. And, randomly enough, it was a reminder to me of the good things in my life that I need to be doing but that I don't like. Exercise, f'rinstance, is something that I should be doing on a regular basis, but I have a really hard time doing it because I don't like it. It's good for me, though, and it would help me with a lot of my problems (weight, depression, high blood-pressure...) so it's something that I need to do. In that regard, exercise is like snow: I don't like it, but it's beautiful in the end.

Having had that little eureka moment made me ponder some of the other things in my life that I'm not doing, but should. I've decided to set better goals, starting today, to manage my time and money so that I can get what I want. I'm always telling my students "decide what you want and then make the choices that will get you what you want." It only makes sense that I should follow my own advice. So, here is what I want: I want to lose enough weight that I'm happy and healthy, I want to take voice and piano lessons so that I can be confident in my talents, I want to audition for more shows with enough confidence that I get cast, and I want to go on more dates. Now, I just have to sit down and decide how to get what I want...

So, the challenge begins! I will begin adding proverbial snowflakes to my backyard of life to achieve what I want.