Well, it's been three and a half months since my last post, and not much has changed. I'm still fat, lonely, and bored, and trying to keep myself busy enough so none of those things bother me. Since April, the play that I was music directing finished, my students' opera was a success (end of year testing not so much), went to a few education trainings, and got myself involved in a couple of other shows. I'm going to music direct another children's show (Cinderella's Glass Slipper). I am also singing in the chorus of a big band tribute. After that, I've decided to give myself a pseudo break from show biz. I'm going to only play in the community symphony: since I broke my collar bone in February, I haven't even touched my bass, and I'm finding more and more that I miss it terribly.
There are three main reasons that I'm breaking from theater for a short while. First, my snowflakes are melting faster than I can collect them (see a previous post about snowflakes being goals, or some such nonsense); I need to set, and keep better goals. Second, as I already mentioned, I miss playing in the symphony. And third, I need to spend less time with a particular person.
So, snowflakes. Instead of doing one a week (I only managed for about 3 weeks before), I will add a new goal every month. As tomorrow starts a new month, I am starting a new goal! My goal for the month of August is to exercise for an hour a day. It doesn't have to be all at once, but it can, and it doesn't have to be one type, but it can, it just has to be an hour. I'm signing up for a membership at the local fitness center where they have pools year round (better for the arthritis), and trainers and such. It's an expense, but I think it's worth it. I'm not going to think about adding another goal until maybe the 3rd week in August, so that I can focus on this one.
Symphony playing. I didn't realize until it was gone how much playing in the symphony meant to me and helped me, nor how much I looked forward to it every week. I miss being surrounded by good music, and good musicians. I miss the opportunity to improve my talents and participate in a performing group on the stage. So, tomorrow, I will get the bass out and try some scales. I've got about 6 weeks before rehearsals start for the next season, and I need to get back into shape.
Avoiding someone. That doesn't sound like a great plan, I know, but here's what happened: I fell in love. I fell in love and I fell hard. The problem is, this man will never love me because he's gay. I knew it when I started having feelings for him, but I ignored it because he didn't tell me. I thought that we were good enough friends that, surely, he would have told me about something that big. But he didn't, so I ignored all the signs and nagging little thoughs. After spending so much time with him, I couldn't keep my growing feelings to myself. Finally, I confessed to a mutual friend of ours that I might have a crush on him, and she told me that it wasn't a good idea, and why. I felt so betrayed. I thought I'd finally found a friend, regardless of romantic attraction, whom I could trust completely, and, of course, he didn't feel the same way about me. Because I trusted him to trust me, I got my heart broken. No one knows, I didn't tell anyone how I really felt. Besides him, I didn't have anyone to trust with something like this, and I couldn't tell him. And, because of my involvement in theater, I still have to spend a lot of time with him. Do you know how hard it is to get over someone when you have to be with them all the time?
I hope I have enough distractions to keep my mind off my "friend" for the next little while that I still have to be around him. I still want, desperately, to be his friend, he means so much to me. I don't want to stop loving him, I just need to stop being in love with him. I need to get away. I need to involve myself with other activities and organizations that do not include this individual. I need to find myself again and pray that one day I will have the courage to trust again. It will take some time I know. Everytime I get hurt it takes longer than the time before to heal. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I fall for gay guys all the time, but I do seem to fall for men who aren't interested in me. I open up, I tell them, or someone, how I feel, and then I lose people who I thought were friends and I get hurt. Life's a lonely road when you have to travel by yourself.
But, the road of life doesn't stop to let people off, you just have to keep going along, no matter what roadblocks are in your way, and no matter what scenic attractions try to get you off the path. School starts in three weeks. I'm hoping that the start of a new school year can also be the start of a new, better, part of my life. This is the part of my life that I should learn to love myself, and not get so jealous of people who have people. I can be extraordinary all by myself, because that's the way God made me. With Him as my guide, friend and confidant, I can become what He needs me to be, and anything I want to be.
So, here's to life: to wanting it, to dreaming it, and to living it!
