Today is January 1, 2020. I was so excited for this new decade. I'd made goals (weight loss - again - scripture study, journal writing, the usual stuff) and had a great outlook. Then two very miserable things happened. OK, they're not really that miserable, but something in me just feels really awful, so they seem really miserable. And I don't know if it's the depressive funk that I've been in for a few months, the fact that I'm still a little sick (bad cold complete with pinkeye for Christmas just a week ago), or something strange in the air, but I've decided that those two miserable things are a sign that I'm not going to have a good year.
Thing one: I am lonely again. About a week ago, when the new "Cats" movie came out, someone mentioned that it would be very fun to give it the MST3K treatment (basically mocking commentary). I loved that idea and suggested that it would be amazing to get a bunch of us theatre friends together to play: go watch the movie and make our own snarky comments. Well, my "friends" went today, posted about it on social media, and didn't even invite me. You'd think at my age, and after all my life experiences, I wouldn't get so disappointed at being left out, but it still stings rather badly.
Thing two: this one is a little more complicated, because it's a bunch of things, but it really boils down to the fact that I can't get pregnant. I had three friends post about their decade ending and the changes that have happened and what they're looking forward to in the next decade. Well, a lot of my friends posted about that, but these three friends in particular posted about babies, their babies. Friend A posted about trying for years and not being able to get pregnant until she was baptized and then sealed in the temple. Friend B posted that she was grateful to have an opportunity to be a mom, even though it was totally unexpected and unplanned, and even a little unwanted. And Friend C posted that she is so excited that she will get to hold her baby in 2020, and she can hardly wait. All three of these situations are killing me in different ways because I'm so insanely jealous, and again feel like I'm being left out.
A - It has always been my plan to marry in the temple and start a family. I feel very strongly that I was told by God, or one of His messengers, to marry my husband without waiting for the temple. I felt I understood why (my last post explains in more detail), but it turns out I was wrong, and now I'm married to a man who doesn't want to get sealed in the temple, or even go to church. So this friend's situation hurts me because she says she was blessed with children by doing things God's way and following His plan for her. I followed the plan, at least I thought I did, and still no children.
B - I have always wanted to be a mother. I've dreamed about it, planned for it, longed for it, prayed, begged, and cried for it. This friend's situation hurts because she didn't think that she wanted to be a mother. She never planned for it, it wasn't something that she expected, and it was an accident (birth control pills aren't super effective if you take antibiotics) that she even got pregnant in the first place. Now she is loving being a mommy, and I'm not.
C - This friend is young and thin and beautiful. She's wanted to be a mom her whole life. She's suffered at least two miscarriages in her life. I'd like to be happy for her, but I'm too jealous, and the reason connects back to friend A: she didn't get pregnant the "right" way. She had an affair. She left her husband, that she's sealed to in the temple, for another man. They are living together with his daughter from another marriage, and she's pregnant with his baby. If I can only have children if I follow God's plan for me, and do things the way He would have me do them, then why does this friend get to have a baby right now?
I know that life isn't fair. I know that I need to have more faith, and patience, and trust. But it hurts so badly to feel this way. To feel that God is leaving me out. To feel that I am alone even though I've followed the path. It makes me want to not follow the path any more, and that hurts, too, because I don't really know any other way of life. I've been a pretty faithful daughter of God for most of my life, and I'm tired of it. I know it sounds selfish, and I know that there are things that I can't see or understand in this life, but why should I keep suffering? I hate feeling this way. I hate the buzzkill that these friends' posts had on my excitement over the new year. I don't know how to change my attitude, nor do I know if I even want to try. Right now I'm stuck in the the angry and bitter phase, and I can't see a way out.
Thing one: I am lonely again. About a week ago, when the new "Cats" movie came out, someone mentioned that it would be very fun to give it the MST3K treatment (basically mocking commentary). I loved that idea and suggested that it would be amazing to get a bunch of us theatre friends together to play: go watch the movie and make our own snarky comments. Well, my "friends" went today, posted about it on social media, and didn't even invite me. You'd think at my age, and after all my life experiences, I wouldn't get so disappointed at being left out, but it still stings rather badly.
Thing two: this one is a little more complicated, because it's a bunch of things, but it really boils down to the fact that I can't get pregnant. I had three friends post about their decade ending and the changes that have happened and what they're looking forward to in the next decade. Well, a lot of my friends posted about that, but these three friends in particular posted about babies, their babies. Friend A posted about trying for years and not being able to get pregnant until she was baptized and then sealed in the temple. Friend B posted that she was grateful to have an opportunity to be a mom, even though it was totally unexpected and unplanned, and even a little unwanted. And Friend C posted that she is so excited that she will get to hold her baby in 2020, and she can hardly wait. All three of these situations are killing me in different ways because I'm so insanely jealous, and again feel like I'm being left out.
A - It has always been my plan to marry in the temple and start a family. I feel very strongly that I was told by God, or one of His messengers, to marry my husband without waiting for the temple. I felt I understood why (my last post explains in more detail), but it turns out I was wrong, and now I'm married to a man who doesn't want to get sealed in the temple, or even go to church. So this friend's situation hurts me because she says she was blessed with children by doing things God's way and following His plan for her. I followed the plan, at least I thought I did, and still no children.
B - I have always wanted to be a mother. I've dreamed about it, planned for it, longed for it, prayed, begged, and cried for it. This friend's situation hurts because she didn't think that she wanted to be a mother. She never planned for it, it wasn't something that she expected, and it was an accident (birth control pills aren't super effective if you take antibiotics) that she even got pregnant in the first place. Now she is loving being a mommy, and I'm not.
C - This friend is young and thin and beautiful. She's wanted to be a mom her whole life. She's suffered at least two miscarriages in her life. I'd like to be happy for her, but I'm too jealous, and the reason connects back to friend A: she didn't get pregnant the "right" way. She had an affair. She left her husband, that she's sealed to in the temple, for another man. They are living together with his daughter from another marriage, and she's pregnant with his baby. If I can only have children if I follow God's plan for me, and do things the way He would have me do them, then why does this friend get to have a baby right now?
I know that life isn't fair. I know that I need to have more faith, and patience, and trust. But it hurts so badly to feel this way. To feel that God is leaving me out. To feel that I am alone even though I've followed the path. It makes me want to not follow the path any more, and that hurts, too, because I don't really know any other way of life. I've been a pretty faithful daughter of God for most of my life, and I'm tired of it. I know it sounds selfish, and I know that there are things that I can't see or understand in this life, but why should I keep suffering? I hate feeling this way. I hate the buzzkill that these friends' posts had on my excitement over the new year. I don't know how to change my attitude, nor do I know if I even want to try. Right now I'm stuck in the the angry and bitter phase, and I can't see a way out.
