Sunday, June 24, 2018

Day 21 of the #40daysto40 #Birthdaychallenge Madness

Day 21: May 2, 2017
Challenge: Dye your hair
Challenge: Write a secret in your journal

I like performing. I love being on stage and having people look at me and applaud me. I like this because I get to be someone else. I get to put my heart into something and get judged without the feeling of being judged, because people aren't judging me, they're judging the character. In my real life, however, I don't like attention. I try to blend into the background and hide behind other people. I like to sit at the back, keep my head down, keep my comments to myself, and attempt to be as inconspicuous as possible. This challenge was to do something to myself that would intentionally bring attention to me. I didn't want to just dye my hair to cover the grays, although I accomplished that, too, I wanted to dye my hair an outlandish color so that it would make people stop and stare. I wanted to do this because I wanted to be brave. I wanted to tell the world that I am proud of who I am and my appearance, and I don't care who stares at me, and I don't care what other people think. I didn't get super crazy with my hair, I did a rainbow homre kind of thing that was three different colors at the bottom and underneath, but mostly my natural color on top. I thought it was really fun, and I felt very cool every time I walked out in public. It's funny how a little hair dye can give you so much confidence. I thought my hair was awesome, and I loved the attention that I got from strangers when I walked by. I didn't care that 40 was kind of old to be doing crazy things, I didn't care that people made comments about my weight (strangers always think that's their place), I just felt beautiful and confident.

I did two challenges this day because I needed a break. The second one was a little more simple, but also more difficult. The second task of the day was to write a secret in my journal, something that I've never told a soul. I did this because keeping things bottled up is not great for mental health, but also I've got secrets that nobody should have to bear. I know that sounds deep and dark, but that's just the way it is sometimes. Sometimes you experience something, or even just experience a feeling, and you don't want to burden someone else with it, but you know you can't keep it to yourself. This, I think, is where writing it down is helpful. Writing with a pen is very thereaputic for me, and I sometimes forget that that is a gift that I have access to when I need a release of emotion. This was a good reminder to take time more often to write.









Day 20 of the #40daysto40 #Birthdaychallenge Madness

Day 20: May 1, 2017
Challenge: Rest day

Half way through the challenge I decided that I needed a break. I'd been challenging myself to step really far outside of my comfort zone for nearly three weeks, and doing that is exhausting. Even though I took a break out of tiredness, it was still a good reminder that I can't finish everything all at once. Scheduling, planning, and implementing rest periods is just as important as everything else that I do in working on my goals to improve myself. I forget this skill, and quite often find myself burning out and ultimately quitting the things that I wanted to accomplish. This 40to40 challenge is the first big project in a very long time that I completed all the way to the finish line, and I don't think I would have been successful without taking a break.




Day 19 of the #40daysto40 #Birthdaychallenge Madness

Day 19: April 30, 2017
Challenge: Ask someone on a date

This challenge was incredibly hard for me. I've always been afraid of rejection, any kind of rejection, and I've let that fear stop me from taking risks that could have enriched my life. "What if" had become an all-too-common mantra in my life, and it was becoming unacceptable! I needed to learn (and I still need to remember sometimes) that it's OK if someone says no, it's OK if someone doesn't want me for a job, or a role, or a date. I can't live my life not trying things or not doing things because I'm afraid someone might say no. I can't stop auditioning for plays because I'm afraid I won't get a part - I can't have all the parts, and not every vision for every show has a place for me. That doesn't mean I'm a poor actress, it doesn't mean I'm a bad date, it doesn't mean I'm an awful person. It just means that I don't fit in that particular puzzle. Saying and doing, however, are two entirely different things. This challenge was still causing me a great deal of anxiety, so I made it a little easier by doing it online. Remember a few challenges when I signed up for on-line dating? Well, I picked a profile of a guy that seemed nice, and sent him a flirt (a little smiley face). He responded with a winky face. I sent him a message. He responded. I asked him if he'd like to meet in person and go out on a date. He said no thanks, he didn't think we had enough in common. Then he blocked me, so I couldn't send him any more messages. I'm not going to lie, it hurt my feelings immensely. I spiraled a little bit back into my old ways of thinking: I'm fat and ugly and nobody will ever want me, why should I even try to do things like this? and so on. Then I remembered that the point of asking someone out wasn't to find a mate but to challenge me to face and accept rejection gracefully. So, instead of eating a box of donuts and closing my dating profile, and vowing to never try again, I chalked it up to experience and sent flirts to several more profiles on the dating website. Putting myself out there was hard, but it was worth it. One of those flirts that I sent was to Pedro (he sent one to me first, but I sent him a little heart...), who would eventually become my husband. It was hard to show him that I was interested, but I did it. And if I can do that, I can do anything.




Day 18 of the #40daysto40 #Birthdaychallenge Madness

Day 18: April 29, 2017
Challenge: Make something yummy to give away

This challenge was made to help me remember that even in the midst of redefining my life through a series of challenges, it's not all about me; I need to be more willing and interested in serving other people. When you take the time to help others, it lifts your own burdens in ways that you can't even imagine. Plus, it reminded me that I have talents that can be shared and appreciated by others and it's nice to get compliments from others!




Sunday, June 17, 2018

Day 17 of the #40daysto40 #Birthdaychallenge Madness

Day 17: April 28, 2018

Challenge: Post a recording of yourself singing

I love music, and I love singing. My family know me as someone who sings all the time, and I really mean all the time: I sing in the shower, while I'm cooking, while I'm getting dressed, when I see my cat, to my breakfast food, or any food really. I just really love singing. However, because I've always been self-conscious about it, I don't often sing in front of others, at least not solo. It goes back to the idea that others are better than me at everything, and I will be judged. This was a fairly safe way to jump over those fears. I just found an app that let you record your own voice to a karaoke track, then I sang the song. I was in the comfort/privacy of my own home, so nobody heard me doing the recording. Then I just uploaded the recording to Twitter, and done. I don't like the recording very much. Aside from never really being fond of my recorded voice, I was recovering from one of the worst colds I'd ever had in my lifetime, so my voice was deeper and less lovely than I think it usually is. But, I posted it anyway, no excuses. The thing is, nobody was critical. Not very many people even listened to it.

What I learned from this challenge is a lesson that I think most people need reminding of: never let what others think of you stop you from doing what you love. Or, even more importantly, never let what you think others think of you stop you from doing what you love. Singing is probably my most favorite thing to do, but I don't allow myself to do it as often as I'd like because I'm so worried about what other people think. But most people are so involved in what they are doing themselves, they don't have time to worry, or even think about, what I'm doing. I need to stop being afraid, and just sing out.








Wednesday, June 6, 2018

Day 16 of the #40daysto40 #Birthdaychallenge Madness

Day 16: April 27, 2017
Challenge: Plant something

Originally I wanted to plant a tree, but then I remembered that I know hardly anything about gardening and that planting a tree might be too big of an undertaking at this point in my life. So, I decided to plant roses because they are my mom's favorite flowers. Betsy helped a lot by preparing a little flower bed for me; which was an incredibly kind thing for her to do. The purpose of this challenge was two-fold: first to remind me that hard work is a thing that I need more often in my life, and second to remind me of the things that God has given us to make the world a beautiful place.

In the first case, I often find myself saying, about various things, "I really want to do that." Then I do a little research, realize how much work actually has to go into it, and then decide that it isn't worth it. I've started and quit a lot of projects because I don't like to work. It's good to have reminders that worthwhile things take time, planning, preparation, and, yes indeedy, a lot of hard work. If I want my roses to bloom, then I have to prune the bushes, weed, and water on a regular basis. What is worth that to me? What am I spending my time on? What else do I want in my life? If I want it so badly, then I should be more willing to do the work.

In the second case, I often find myself saying, about various things, "The world is such a horrible place." Then I get depressed and don't want to do anything. It is only when I take the time to look for and see the beautiful things that God has given me that I feel happy and peaceful. I can't even count the number of times that I was sitting inside moping about something awful when there was a beautiful sunset, or warm breeze, or flock of geese just outside my window. I was so focused on the misery, that I forgot to look for the lovely. Taking time to be in nature, to really see and appreciate God's creations, is something that I definitely need to do more often. No more excuses (except for despicable winter), I'm going to be outside for at least ten minutes every day. And, I'm going to do some work while I'm there!




Monday, June 4, 2018

Day 15 of the #40daysto40 #Birthdaychallenge Madness

Day 15: April 26, 2017
Challenge: Do something to improve your body

This was an interesting challenge for me. I've struggled with body hate for most of my life. In fact, one of the earliest arguments I remember my parents having was about my size and the doctor's recommendation to put me into gymnastics; I was 6 years old. I've been overweight practically my whole life. I have learned that when I focus on loving my body and being grateful for what it can do for me that the weight doesn't bother me as much. I have more confidence in public and I actually make better food choices when I remember that my body is a gift from God that is worthy of my admiration and respect. So when I created the list for the #40daysto40 challenge I knew that I wanted to do something for my body. I actually did a few things in the challenge related to my body: dance, Zumba and Tai chi. This was the first one, though, and the focus was to do something that would help me remember that my body is strong and beautiful. So, I got up early before school, and did a little Tai chi in the back yard. Tai chi is a really great way to start the day, because it helps focus your energy and center your mind. What I took away from day 15 is that I do need to spend more time improving my body, not to fit someone else's idea of beautiful, and not because I need to get skinny, but because being healthy will help me live a longer and happier life.