A New Hope

Anyone who's read this blog (like 5 people) knows that I've been really struggling of late. I've had two life-threatening medical conditions (ectopic pregnancy and pulmonary embolisms) in the last few months, more than anyone's fair share of anxiety, and a near life-long struggle with depression and CPTSD. I've allowed my situation to affect my faith, and it's been really hard to feel any hope or way forward. 

A few weeks ago, I decided that I needed to heal my relationship with my Father in Heaven. I found a little challenge online to help prepare my mind and heart to hear the word of the Lord during General Conference. I watched Conference with a notebook - instead of games on my phone as usual - and I was rewarded greatly for my efforts. Don't get me wrong, my life is still really hard, I still feel very sad and quite sick all the time, and I'm still on the struggle bus with my faith, but I really felt the Spirit and the perfect love of God fill my heart. 

Since General Conference, I've renewed my efforts about daily scripture study. I started doing the weekly lessons in the Come Follow Me book put out by the church. I decided that I would just start with the calendar given, and move forward. I'm also using a book not put out by the church called "Don't Miss This in the Doctrine and Covenants." The authors of this book take one verse or principal from each section of the D&C and carefully delineate it so that it gives the reader something to focus on to improve faith and understanding. Each day I read something either in the scriptures directly, something from this book, or something from the manual. 

This week the schedule has me reading Doctrine and Covenants sections 37-40. This morning, I was reading in the manual and I misread a passage. Misreading is fairly common with me, and it usually doesn't affect things too much, but today it gave me a whole new outlook, and a new hope in my Savior. The manual states: "...Think about the commandments the Lord has given you and the faith needed to follow them." I somehow skipped the words "and the" and read "...the Lord has given you the faith needed..." 

As I thought about that, two things happened almost simultaneously in my mind. First, I recognized that the Lord has, indeed, given me faith. Every experience that He has helped me through has given me faith. The family he placed me in has given me faith. The way He answers, or doesn't answer, my prayers, has built my faith in ways that I can't even understand. 

The second thing that happened in my mind was I heard the hymn "There is Sunshine in My Soul Today." "What a funny coincidence," I thought to myself, "it's a cloudy day, and I wish it were sunny." Suddenly I realized the message the Lord was giving me: There is always sunshine to be found in my soul. My life isn't always going to be pleasant and lovely, but I can still have light in my soul. Trials and sorrows will throng my path, but I can still have hope in my Savior. When I put my trust in Him to lead me through this world, He gives me the faith I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other even though I can't see the way forward. 

Now, I realize that the hymns, like any poetry, are full of figurative language, and this message is likely obvious to most people. I even admit that I've probably thought of this meaning before. Today, though, that's the message I needed, that I have the tools to see the sunshine through the storms. 

Here we go again!

It has been a long time since I was on here. Blogging is hard, and I still don't know how I feel about doing it. Tomorrow school starts again, and I am excited for the new school year. I am planning to write an opera with my students. Also, I am hoping to stick to a schedule for eating and exercise. And, I went to Europe! I saw the Passion Play in Germany, which was amazing! It gave me a different perspective on how some of the world views Christianity.

I am a Christian, a Latter-day Saint to be specific, and I have always known about Christ as the Savior of the world. However, I've always been more drawn to His teachings and the Atonement more than the crucifixion. But, in the Passion Play, a lot of the focus was on how He died, and not so much about how He lived and was resurrected. I suppose that how He died is significant; He suffered so much on the cross which was part of the Atonement. The pain and the agony He lived through was incredible. But I still feel that what he taught is a more important epi-center of my focus for learning to be like Him. I am so grateful to know the things that I do, and I hope that I can live my life the way He would have me do, so that others will want to come to know Him because they see how I live.