Friends or not friends, hmm...

So, at the end of every major event in my life - school year, tour, show, play, etc - I have people that I've come to know and love sign my "Bye-bye book." It's a tradition that I picked up in Taiwan from the LDS missionaries and members of the little branch there, it's kind of like a year book for life. As last night was the closing night of "An Ideal Husband," for which I was stage manager, I had the cast and crew sign the book. Because I don't have sections of the book cordoned off for signing, it's a little adventure every time I read through looking for new signatures, it pulls all my memories together and puts them in a sort of feel good stew. I admit that one of the reasons I started the book was so that I could remember places and people, but another reason is because people always say nice things about me and I want to remember those things even more than I want to remember the people and places. Is that selfish? Maybe. Anyhow, as I was reading through the book this afternoon to see what my new "friends" had written it struck me as odd how many "friends" I have. Everyone who signed the book was very complimentary. They all said things like "you're wonderful," or "how talented you are," "keep in touch," "I'll miss you," and so on. There are even compliments about my voice (singing and speaking, thank-you very much) and a few people even told me I was pretty (which I still don't believe).

Now, the reason that I find this odd is not because I don't think that these people are sincere, I really don't think they'd lie to me, nor is it because I have low self-esteem, which I do, but because I find myself friendless more often than not. It is strange to me that all these people in my life have said what a wonderful person I am, but they never seem to want to spend time with me, or even call (or text, or facebook) to see how I'm doing or what I'm up to. I really try to keep up with what is going on in my friends' lives, and be an active part of their cheerleading team, but I don't have anyone, really, reciprocating the caring. It's really hard sometimes when I have a bad day, or even a good day, and I don't have anyone that I can confide in. I seem to be the person at the party that, when I'm there people are glad to see me, but if I'm not there nobody misses me. It's very sad, lonely, and frustrating.

So, my question to the universe, not that anyone will ever read this (sometimes just asking the question is therapeutic), is: How do I make friends that are really my friends? I seem to have a plethora of friends, just not anyone, nor any one, that is really my "friend" who will care when I am sad, or lonely, or hurting. How can I have that?

I think that part of the reason I'm wondering this now is because I'm hurting now, and I have nobody to confide in. I'm having nightmares, horrors from my past really, that have been stirred up by a horrible happening with one of my students, and I don't feel that I have any friend with whom to share my burden. When I think of all the "friends" that I have, I don't want to share with them because I am afraid that I will alienate them, or I feel that I don't know them well enough, or they have enough problems in their lives without adding mine. Who can I trust? Where and, more importantly, how can I find a friend?

The Theater, The Theater

I love, absolutely love, live theater. I enjoy going to see plays an musicals, but even more I love being involved behind the scenes. Last Summer, I was looking for some theater thing to be involved in, and I found a notice for a play. I e-mailed the director and ended up on the productions staff. I met some fun people, and some not so fun people, and I really loved being involved again. Then, in October, I auditioned for a show with a different theater company. I ended up being cast as an "Usherette" for "1940's Radio Hour". It was kind of a made up role because the director wanted to have a bigger ensemble than the script called for. But the other Usherettes and I rose to the challenge and created a really fun part, including a pre-show of Acapella Christmas carols. During the Christmas season I went back to the theater where I had been on the production staff to see some of my friends in their Christmas show. I ran into the director, and he asked me to be involved with the next show. I agreed, and joined the production staff again. The producer for that show is directing the next show, and she recruited me to be the musical director for that. So, for the last few months, the theater has become my life.

As much as I love it, I'm finding that I don't have time for much else, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. Is it wrong to give up dreams or goals because I've found something else that I love? Is it okay to not have a social life or friends outside the theater when I love the people that I work with there? Is it really acceptable to allow this facet of my life to inhibit my being able to do anything else? I admit that I first got into theater for the joy of performing (after my concert pianist dreams were shattered along with my wrist), and I stayed with it because of the excuses it afforded me to not be at home. But, now I feel that I've been sucked into this magnificent vortex from which there is no escape. At this moment, I don't want to escape, I love my life the way it is. However, I can foresee, in the not too distant future, how this could very well impede my progress in life. I don't have time to meet people, go on dates (or even just out with friends), spend time with my family, exercise, eat properly, sleep, etc.

For now I say "The show must go on!" And I'm dedicated to serving the in the theater because, as crazy as it may sound, it relieves my stress. Theater gives me a chance to get out of my own personal hell and live in another world, many other worlds. Theater is bringing back to me the joy of performing that my wrist injuries took away from me, and I am not going to give that up easily.

Here we go again!

It has been a long time since I was on here. Blogging is hard, and I still don't know how I feel about doing it. Tomorrow school starts again, and I am excited for the new school year. I am planning to write an opera with my students. Also, I am hoping to stick to a schedule for eating and exercise. And, I went to Europe! I saw the Passion Play in Germany, which was amazing! It gave me a different perspective on how some of the world views Christianity.

I am a Christian, a Latter-day Saint to be specific, and I have always known about Christ as the Savior of the world. However, I've always been more drawn to His teachings and the Atonement more than the crucifixion. But, in the Passion Play, a lot of the focus was on how He died, and not so much about how He lived and was resurrected. I suppose that how He died is significant; He suffered so much on the cross which was part of the Atonement. The pain and the agony He lived through was incredible. But I still feel that what he taught is a more important epi-center of my focus for learning to be like Him. I am so grateful to know the things that I do, and I hope that I can live my life the way He would have me do, so that others will want to come to know Him because they see how I live.

When heroes die

I went to a gym for the first time yesterday. Part of me thinks it was a waste of time; I walked on a treadmill for about 35 minutes. I have a treadmill at home! But, I went with a friend of mine, who gets to take a guest with her for free, so it isn't like I'm out anything for it. And, going with a friend was good because it got me moving. I think that's the hardest thing for me, when it comes to exercise, is just getting started. Once I get going then I can do it. And, because I weigh so much, it doesn't take a lot of effort to burn calories. Boy do I ever need to burn calories! I am going to Germany this summer, and I need to be able to keep up with the tour, and fit in the seats on the plane, and in the theaters. I know that I will need to lose a lot of weight and I have 3 months to do it. It's very daunting, and time consuming, but I can do it. My plan is to work out (exercise) for an hour every day. I don't have to do the hour all at once, but it has to be at least an hour total every day, EVERY day! I think that the workout will help me to want to eat healthier, too. Also, I really need to push myself. Like I said, all I did at the gym was walk on a treadmill, I'm not sore or stiff, and I can't tell at all that I lost any weight.

I have the Olympics on right now to inspire me. Those athletes work so hard to reach their dreams, and what I'm planning to do for myself is not near as gruelling as what they do.

Speaking of the Olympics, I am very disheartened that some of my athletic heroes have come out against the ISU and the scoring system that allowed Evan Lysacek to win the gold medal. Evan has been one of my figure skating favorites since I first saw him skate at U.S Nationals in 2001. I've watched his career progress and seen the sacrifices he's made to accomplish his dreams. I promise I'm not a stalker, I just love figure skating, I have since before I can remember. I watched in great anticipation and with great anxiety the men's figure skating events at this year's Olympics. I wanted for Evan to win because I thought that he deserved it. His short program was amazing and, I thought, much more fluid than Plushenko's. Both of these men were in the last group to skate for the long program (freeskate). Evan skated first and his program was practically flawless. He landed all his jumps and his footwork and spins were incredible to watch. You could tell when he was finished that he had done his very best and he was pleased with his performance. I watched the next four skaters with great interest and, because of my slight obsession with the sport, a critical eye. I looked for any mistake that would effect the skaters' scores because I wanted so badly for Evan to win. I was so excited when no one had surpassed Evan's scores. As Plushenko took to the ice I knew that the worst Evan could do was silver. And when Plushenko landed his quad-triple combination, I groaned in agony because I thought for sure it was over for Evan. But I continued to watch, as time after time, he barely hung on to his landings and his sloppy footwork made him look like a fish out of water. When he finished skating I knew that Evan had won gold because his program was simply that much better than Plushenko's. I still waited, holding my breath, for the scores and I screamed right out loud when the final scores were shown. Evan Lysacek, for team USA, had won the gold medal!!!!!!!!!

I think that anyone who would lessen his triumph by claiming he didn't deserve it is showing poor sportsmanship. And maybe they just don't know as much about figure skating as they think they do - yes, I'm lumping my ex-heroes Elvis Stojko and Sasha Cohen in that group, too. After watching both programs again and again, I just don't see how anyone could possibly think that Plushenko's was better. Yes, he had the quad and Evan didn't, but that is one element out of the program, just one!

On the upside of all of this, we have seen the some of the true character of our Olympic champion, Evan Lysacek has said nothing slanderous or grievous toward any one of the folks who have made statements about him not being good enough for gold. He has handled the situation with dignity and grace, and that makes him even more of a hero to me than he was before. I have shared some of his interviews with my students to illustrate a good example of sportsmanship. Thank-you Evan Lysacek for being someone that people can look up to; thank-you for being a good hero and role-model!

Olympic spirit

I love the Olympics! I get so excited every time they come around. I'm not sure why the Olympics effect me so deeply but they really do. I cry during the opening, and closing, ceremonies, I cry when my countrymen win medals, and I cry when dreams are smashed by spills, falls, or other mistakes. I love to root for the underdog, I feel inspired by the human interest stories of the athletes who've fought to achieve their dreams. Maybe it's because I've longed to achieve my own dreams and seeing others accomplish great things gives me hope. Perhaps I've always, deep down, wanted to be an Olympian. Or maybe it's just that I like being in the center of attention and watching the Olympics feeds my daydreams more than anything else. In any case, I love the Olympics and I'm so excited they are happening right now. The Vancouver Olympics began with a tragedy, and because of my apparently deep connection, I have spent a few sleepless nights and shed many a tear over the fallen Olympian whose dreams were taken by his untimely death. My thoughts and prayers go out to his family, friends, and his teammates, who are now dedicating their Olympic performances to him. I pray that all the athletes will be wary and cautious, but still not give up their dreams out of fear. Speaking of fear, I have some fears that I think may be holding me back from meeting my goals. I am afraid of being alone my whole life, afraid that no one will like me. What if I lose the weight and I still don't get asked out or find a man? My weight is an excuse, you know? It's okay that I don't have a date Friday because boys are just mean if they can't see past my appearance to notice how great I am. But what if I'm not that great? What if, what if, what if? At some point I have to just get past the what ifs and move forward. I have to find the strength within me to know that it's okay to be alone. It will be okay if I never get married. Yes, I want it, yes, I'll be sad if it doesn't happen, but I need to be okay alone. Somewhere in my youth I was taught about being a child of God. And, somewhere in my mind, I suppose I still know that. But, it's really hard to remember when so many things go awry. Somehow, through everything I've suffered, I still believe that God loves me. I just have to find a way to make that be enough to live with for now. I said that I would include something from my past in every blog. When I was in 6th grade, it was an Olympic year then, we had the opportunity to have an Olympian come to my class. She was a gymnast who was going to compete in the Summer Games. A lot of people expected her to be on the podium. She signed autographs for us and told us to hold on to our dreams because they could come true. I don't remember what exactly happened at the Olympics, but my Olympian (Melissa Marlowe, by the way), did not make it onto the podium. I was so disappointed; I was sure that if her dreams didn't come true then mine certainly wouldn't. I tore up her autograph and sulked for a year, at least. My dreams didn't come true then: my home situation got worse, and I had to do a lot of things I didn't want to do and give up some other things I did want to do. No way was I going to believe in that "following your dreams" hooplah again. Eventually I became less sour toward life, I even learned to allow myself to dream again. Someday I'm going to have everything I want in life, and nothing's going to stop me!

Well, I've never done this before!

This is my very first blog post ever. I have decided to blog for two reasons. One, I wonder if it will be easier than writing in my journal, since I seem to have an addiction to spending time on the computer. And, two, because I've heard that it is a pretty good way to take ownership of your actions, you know, responsibility for the way I'm eating and living and all that.
Something funny about my past is that I grew up speaking spoonerisms (where you switch the first consonant sounds of two or more words, i.e. peanut butter becomes beanut putter) and calling it "Bushy-berry talk". Now some people, I understand do this when they're drunk, or really tired, but I do it all the time because I grew up doing it. Most of the time I catch myself, but sometimes I don't and my "Bushy-berry" phrases are picked up by others. For example, my students (yes, I am a teacher) usually say "chuck in your tair" rather than "tuck in your chair." The good thing about a blog is that I seldom, if ever, type spoonerisms on accident, so if there's one in here, you know I've done it intentionally.

Something about my current life (aside from the teaching bit) is that I am taking a tap dancing class. It is really a lot of fun. The reason that I decided to take the class is that I thought it would be a good way to start a weight loss/exercise program. You see, I currentlty tip the scales at a ridiculous weight. And that's AFTER I lost 15 pounds in January. Shocking, I know, I mean how does anyone that heavy even get around, let alone jump hop step in a tap class? Well, it's something you'd have to see. (Don't go looking for any videos here, I'm not going to post anything with my fat bits jiggling 'round!) But, as I said, the class is really fun, and it has started me losing a little weight. I just need to be more diligent at practicing.

I know it may be trite, but since I've never done a blog post before, I'm going to end this post by explaining why I named my blog "Where Words Fail." *** It comes from my favorite-all time-ever quote by Hans Christian Anderson (I can never remember how to spell his last name): "Where words fail -- music speaks." I find great solace in my music. I play and sing a little, but I'm really good at listening. There is nothing like the sound of a symphony to calm the nerves, or a hymn to heal the soul. I hope I will always have the blessing of music in my life.

***I have since changed the name of my blog.