Day 23 of the #40daysto40 #Birthdaychallenge Madness

Day 23: May 4, 2017

Challenge: Take a voice lesson

One of the things that my mother always taught me was that the talents that God gave me aren't for me, they are meant for me to share, and to build up His Kingdom. However, because of my anxiety with people, I have a hard time sharing my talents. Because I have a hard time sharing, I have a hard time working to improve my talents. After all, why should I work on improving something if nobody is going to see or hear it, right? Singing is something that I've always loved doing. I don't think I have a fabulous voice, but I can generally hit the right notes, and I love how singing makes me feel. I even enjoy singing in front of others. But again, I don't think I have a fabulous voice. So, I decided to work on improving this talent that God gave me by taking voice lessons! I have a great friend who teaches, so I asked him to help me out. I have some natural talent, but having an expert give me advice made me much more confident in presenting myself to others.

I learned from this challenge that I need to work on developing my talents in all areas of my life, music, writing, teaching, baking. When I do things that are creative, I can be closer to my creator.

Take a voice lesson! #40daysto40 #birthdaychallenge #musicislife #musicalfriends 🎶🎶🎶

— Stacy Mayren (@StacyLeeSnider) May 5, 2017

Day 22 of the #40daysto40 #Birthdaychallenge Madness

Day 22: May 3, 2017

Challenge: Have a backyard picnic

This challenge was fun! First of all, I usually enjoy being outside (as long as it isn't too hot or cold, so May is generally perfect), but I forget that when I'm on the couch watching Netflix. Being in the out of doors is good for a person: vitamin D, connection with nature, time unplugged, etc. I always feel better after I've spent some time outside, but I have a hard time remembering that I actually like doing it because I don't like doing things outside that most people do: I hate gardening, don't ever ask me to go camping, and I only enjoy hiking if by hiking you mean walking at a snail's pace along a paved path. I don't like getting dirty, so my time outside is limited to activities that I can do without getting in the actual dirt. Enter the ever versatile picnic blanket! It's soft and comfortable, but also it keeps me off of the grass (itchy) and dirt (ewww) and keeps (most of) the bugs away from me. Then I can have my outside time without getting any of the outside on me!

What I learned from this, as from many of my other challenges, is that I need to make time and create ways to do the things that bring me joy. I need to spend more time outside. Since this challenge, I've made it a point to always have a blanket in my car, as well as a couple of protein bars, just in case.

Have a backyard picnic! #40daysto40 #birthdaychallenge pic.twitter.com/BrBOkCVd8H

— Stacy Mayren (@StacyLeeSnider) May 4, 2017

Day 21 of the #40daysto40 #Birthdaychallenge Madness

Day 21: May 2, 2017
Challenge: Dye your hair
Challenge: Write a secret in your journal

I like performing. I love being on stage and having people look at me and applaud me. I like this because I get to be someone else. I get to put my heart into something and get judged without the feeling of being judged, because people aren't judging me, they're judging the character. In my real life, however, I don't like attention. I try to blend into the background and hide behind other people. I like to sit at the back, keep my head down, keep my comments to myself, and attempt to be as inconspicuous as possible. This challenge was to do something to myself that would intentionally bring attention to me. I didn't want to just dye my hair to cover the grays, although I accomplished that, too, I wanted to dye my hair an outlandish color so that it would make people stop and stare. I wanted to do this because I wanted to be brave. I wanted to tell the world that I am proud of who I am and my appearance, and I don't care who stares at me, and I don't care what other people think. I didn't get super crazy with my hair, I did a rainbow homre kind of thing that was three different colors at the bottom and underneath, but mostly my natural color on top. I thought it was really fun, and I felt very cool every time I walked out in public. It's funny how a little hair dye can give you so much confidence. I thought my hair was awesome, and I loved the attention that I got from strangers when I walked by. I didn't care that 40 was kind of old to be doing crazy things, I didn't care that people made comments about my weight (strangers always think that's their place), I just felt beautiful and confident.

I did two challenges this day because I needed a break. The second one was a little more simple, but also more difficult. The second task of the day was to write a secret in my journal, something that I've never told a soul. I did this because keeping things bottled up is not great for mental health, but also I've got secrets that nobody should have to bear. I know that sounds deep and dark, but that's just the way it is sometimes. Sometimes you experience something, or even just experience a feeling, and you don't want to burden someone else with it, but you know you can't keep it to yourself. This, I think, is where writing it down is helpful. Writing with a pen is very thereaputic for me, and I sometimes forget that that is a gift that I have access to when I need a release of emotion. This was a good reminder to take time more often to write.

Dye your hair! #40daysto40 #birthdaychallenge #rainbowombre pic.twitter.com/IoqkHgaquA

— Stacy Mayren (@StacyLeeSnider) May 3, 2017

Second one, because I skipped yesterday: write a secret in your journal. #40daysto40 #birthdaychallenge #nevertold #soulhealing

— Stacy Mayren (@StacyLeeSnider) May 3, 2017

Day 20 of the #40daysto40 #Birthdaychallenge Madness

Day 20: May 1, 2017
Challenge: Rest day

Half way through the challenge I decided that I needed a break. I'd been challenging myself to step really far outside of my comfort zone for nearly three weeks, and doing that is exhausting. Even though I took a break out of tiredness, it was still a good reminder that I can't finish everything all at once. Scheduling, planning, and implementing rest periods is just as important as everything else that I do in working on my goals to improve myself. I forget this skill, and quite often find myself burning out and ultimately quitting the things that I wanted to accomplish. This 40to40 challenge is the first big project in a very long time that I completed all the way to the finish line, and I don't think I would have been successful without taking a break.

Taking a rest day because I have two things scheduled for tomorrow. #40daysto40 #birthdaychallenge #stillworkingonit #onlythehardthingsleft

— Stacy Mayren (@StacyLeeSnider) May 2, 2017

Day 19 of the #40daysto40 #Birthdaychallenge Madness

Day 19: April 30, 2017
Challenge: Ask someone on a date

This challenge was incredibly hard for me. I've always been afraid of rejection, any kind of rejection, and I've let that fear stop me from taking risks that could have enriched my life. "What if" had become an all-too-common mantra in my life, and it was becoming unacceptable! I needed to learn (and I still need to remember sometimes) that it's OK if someone says no, it's OK if someone doesn't want me for a job, or a role, or a date. I can't live my life not trying things or not doing things because I'm afraid someone might say no. I can't stop auditioning for plays because I'm afraid I won't get a part - I can't have all the parts, and not every vision for every show has a place for me. That doesn't mean I'm a poor actress, it doesn't mean I'm a bad date, it doesn't mean I'm an awful person. It just means that I don't fit in that particular puzzle. Saying and doing, however, are two entirely different things. This challenge was still causing me a great deal of anxiety, so I made it a little easier by doing it online. Remember a few challenges when I signed up for on-line dating? Well, I picked a profile of a guy that seemed nice, and sent him a flirt (a little smiley face). He responded with a winky face. I sent him a message. He responded. I asked him if he'd like to meet in person and go out on a date. He said no thanks, he didn't think we had enough in common. Then he blocked me, so I couldn't send him any more messages. I'm not going to lie, it hurt my feelings immensely. I spiraled a little bit back into my old ways of thinking: I'm fat and ugly and nobody will ever want me, why should I even try to do things like this? and so on. Then I remembered that the point of asking someone out wasn't to find a mate but to challenge me to face and accept rejection gracefully. So, instead of eating a box of donuts and closing my dating profile, and vowing to never try again, I chalked it up to experience and sent flirts to several more profiles on the dating website. Putting myself out there was hard, but it was worth it. One of those flirts that I sent was to Pedro (he sent one to me first, but I sent him a little heart...), who would eventually become my husband. It was hard to show him that I was interested, but I did it. And if I can do that, I can do anything.

Ask someone on a date! EEEK! #40daysto40 #birthdaychallenge #wayoutofmyleague #hesaidno #stillcountsthough

— Stacy Mayren (@StacyLeeSnider) May 1, 2017

Day 18 of the #40daysto40 #Birthdaychallenge Madness

Day 18: April 29, 2017
Challenge: Make something yummy to give away

This challenge was made to help me remember that even in the midst of redefining my life through a series of challenges, it's not all about me; I need to be more willing and interested in serving other people. When you take the time to help others, it lifts your own burdens in ways that you can't even imagine. Plus, it reminded me that I have talents that can be shared and appreciated by others and it's nice to get compliments from others!

Make something yummy to give away! #40daysto40 #birthdaychallenge #Crazycastpotluck #middleofthenightbaking #frostingsaga pic.twitter.com/H6Sni5YeJ5

— Stacy Mayren (@StacyLeeSnider) April 29, 2017

Day 17 of the #40daysto40 #Birthdaychallenge Madness

Day 17: April 28, 2018

Challenge: Post a recording of yourself singing

I love music, and I love singing. My family know me as someone who sings all the time, and I really mean all the time: I sing in the shower, while I'm cooking, while I'm getting dressed, when I see my cat, to my breakfast food, or any food really. I just really love singing. However, because I've always been self-conscious about it, I don't often sing in front of others, at least not solo. It goes back to the idea that others are better than me at everything, and I will be judged. This was a fairly safe way to jump over those fears. I just found an app that let you record your own voice to a karaoke track, then I sang the song. I was in the comfort/privacy of my own home, so nobody heard me doing the recording. Then I just uploaded the recording to Twitter, and done. I don't like the recording very much. Aside from never really being fond of my recorded voice, I was recovering from one of the worst colds I'd ever had in my lifetime, so my voice was deeper and less lovely than I think it usually is. But, I posted it anyway, no excuses. The thing is, nobody was critical. Not very many people even listened to it.

What I learned from this challenge is a lesson that I think most people need reminding of: never let what others think of you stop you from doing what you love. Or, even more importantly, never let what you think others think of you stop you from doing what you love. Singing is probably my most favorite thing to do, but I don't allow myself to do it as often as I'd like because I'm so worried about what other people think. But most people are so involved in what they are doing themselves, they don't have time to worry, or even think about, what I'm doing. I need to stop being afraid, and just sing out.

Post a recording of yourself! #40daysto40 #birthdaychallenge #stillalittlesick #firsttrynopractice https://t.co/xb6CnA6JFL

— Stacy Mayren (@StacyLeeSnider) April 28, 2017

Day 16 of the #40daysto40 #Birthdaychallenge Madness

Day 16: April 27, 2017
Challenge: Plant something

Originally I wanted to plant a tree, but then I remembered that I know hardly anything about gardening and that planting a tree might be too big of an undertaking at this point in my life. So, I decided to plant roses because they are my mom's favorite flowers. Betsy helped a lot by preparing a little flower bed for me; which was an incredibly kind thing for her to do. The purpose of this challenge was two-fold: first to remind me that hard work is a thing that I need more often in my life, and second to remind me of the things that God has given us to make the world a beautiful place.

In the first case, I often find myself saying, about various things, "I really want to do that." Then I do a little research, realize how much work actually has to go into it, and then decide that it isn't worth it. I've started and quit a lot of projects because I don't like to work. It's good to have reminders that worthwhile things take time, planning, preparation, and, yes indeedy, a lot of hard work. If I want my roses to bloom, then I have to prune the bushes, weed, and water on a regular basis. What is worth that to me? What am I spending my time on? What else do I want in my life? If I want it so badly, then I should be more willing to do the work.

In the second case, I often find myself saying, about various things, "The world is such a horrible place." Then I get depressed and don't want to do anything. It is only when I take the time to look for and see the beautiful things that God has given me that I feel happy and peaceful. I can't even count the number of times that I was sitting inside moping about something awful when there was a beautiful sunset, or warm breeze, or flock of geese just outside my window. I was so focused on the misery, that I forgot to look for the lovely. Taking time to be in nature, to really see and appreciate God's creations, is something that I definitely need to do more often. No more excuses (except for despicable winter), I'm going to be outside for at least ten minutes every day. And, I'm going to do some work while I'm there!

Plant roses! #40daysto40 #birthdaychallenge #yellow #yellowandpink #pink #alwayswantedsome #Betsydidmostofthework pic.twitter.com/m1jyhO7Pvu

— Stacy Mayren (@StacyLeeSnider) April 28, 2017

Day 15 of the #40daysto40 #Birthdaychallenge Madness

Day 15: April 26, 2017
Challenge: Do something to improve your body

This was an interesting challenge for me. I've struggled with body hate for most of my life. In fact, one of the earliest arguments I remember my parents having was about my size and the doctor's recommendation to put me into gymnastics; I was 6 years old. I've been overweight practically my whole life. I have learned that when I focus on loving my body and being grateful for what it can do for me that the weight doesn't bother me as much. I have more confidence in public and I actually make better food choices when I remember that my body is a gift from God that is worthy of my admiration and respect. So when I created the list for the #40daysto40 challenge I knew that I wanted to do something for my body. I actually did a few things in the challenge related to my body: dance, Zumba and Tai chi. This was the first one, though, and the focus was to do something that would help me remember that my body is strong and beautiful. So, I got up early before school, and did a little Tai chi in the back yard. Tai chi is a really great way to start the day, because it helps focus your energy and center your mind. What I took away from day 15 is that I do need to spend more time improving my body, not to fit someone else's idea of beautiful, and not because I need to get skinny, but because being healthy will help me live a longer and happier life.

Do something to improve your body! #40daysto40 #birthdaychallenge #earlymorningtaichi #itwascold pic.twitter.com/C56LyeNFFe

— Stacy Mayren (@StacyLeeSnider) April 26, 2017

Day 14 of the #40daysto40 #birthdaychallenge Madness

Day 14: April 25, 2017
Challenge: sign up for online dating

This one was all Betsy's idea. She thought it would be a good idea for me to really step outside my comfort zone, which was the whole point of the birthday challenge to start with. To understand why this one was so hard for me, you need to know some of my past experiences with dating; they've not been great. I've asked guys out and been rejected. I've been set up on blind dates only to have them tell me I was too fat/ugly/smart (that's a bad thing now?) for anyone to date. I've gone on first dates that I thought were going well until the guy wanted to make out or have sex and then got angry when I didn't want to (on a first date? C'mon son!), and explained that I should just be grateful for the attention. I've gone on dates that I thought were going really well, only to find out that the guy didn't think it was a date because we were just friends - cut to him telling me we can't be friends any more because now that he knows I like him our friendship is just awkward. I've gone on dates that I thought were going well - this wasn't my first foray into the online dating world - just to have the guy never call me again. Every single date that I've gone on - good or not - has led to nightmares and/or triggered flashbacks of childhood abuse. I'd basically given up any hope of finding a romantic partner. So, when it came time for this challenge, I decided to do it for fun, to meet people maybe, but truly believing that nothing would come of it.

My friend, Melissa, helped me set up my profile: she told me what to write for my introduction, she helped me pick which pictures to post, she walked me through the dos and don'ts of responding to flirts, even though I didn't think that was necessary. I had decided that this challenge was putting myself out there, and I didn't expect anything to happen. But things did happen. Within 24 hours of posting my profile, I had a dozen messages and several dozen "flirts." I was astounded! Men actually wanted to talk to me, to go out with me, and they'd seen my pictures! It turns out that confidence IS attractive. It was the end of the school year, and I was very busy with other things at the time, so it was a while before I met anyone in person, but I started chatting with several people. I had my first date, with my Pedro, on May 27th, just a month after posting my profile. He was one of the first people who messaged me, and I was immediately drawn to him. I went on a lot of other dates, too. There were some weird ones - guys that wanted to practice their English, guys that wanted me for my money (yeah, don't post your salary), guys that just wanted to make out (I let myself do that once, with a 25-year-old, so that was super crazy), guys that wanted a mother for their children, etc. I kept going out with Pedro, though, every other date was with him. It only took me about a month - and 12 other guys - to realize that I didn't want to date anyone else. Being with Pedro had never given me nightmares, or triggered flashbacks, or even given me anxiety. We got serious much faster than I expected, and after only 3 months of dating, he asked me to marry him. After 6 months we were married. It's been nearly a year since I met him, and I am so glad that I did; I love him more every day!

My lessons from this challenge are that good things happen when you least expect them, and when you are open to them. I never would have met Pedro if I had not been willing to put my profile online, or if I had not been willing to meet him in the park that day. It wasn't until I let my guard down, and opened my hear to possibilities that I was able to meet and fall in love with my husband. It makes me wonder what other opportunities will come my way when I allow myself to be just a little bit vulnerable.

Sign up for online dating! #40daysto40 #birthdaychallenge #brave #orfoolish #Iamnotsureaboutthis

— Stacy Snider (@StacyLeeSnider) April 26, 2017

Day 13 of the #40daysto40 #birthdaychallenge Madness

Day 13: April 24th, 2017
Challenge: Attend a sponsored event

This one was an extension of the party planning one in that I recognized a need in myself to spend more of my energy and focus on other people. There are events, parties, games, books, etc. that carry the sole purpose of supporting a cause, organization, or person. Often time these things aren't very expensive, and there is no reason why I shouldn't be supporting others. This was an easy one to accomplish because my school just happened to have a Sonic night during my 40 days. So, I went to Sonic to support my school!

Get out and do!

Attend a sponsored event! #40daysto40 #birthdaychallenge #schoolsonicnight #sonicselfie #gettinmytots pic.twitter.com/2YLH3JxaBA

— Stacy Snider (@StacyLeeSnider) April 24, 2017

Day 12 of the #40daysto40 #birthdaychallenge Madness

Day 12: April 23, 2017
Challenge: Plan a party

At the outset, this is another challenge that is seemingly simple. All I had to do was decide where and when I wanted my birthday party to be, and create a Facebook event to invite all my friends. Easy-peasy! But, I've had bad experiences with parties. I've thrown a lot of parties in my time, easily over a hundred, however I can count on one hand the number of parties that I felt were a success. It takes all my fingers and toes, and maybe my cat's as well, to count the number of parties I've thrown where nobody came. And that's not even counting the ones where none of my friends came and "my" party was peopled by my sister's friends. So, anxiety about throwing my 40th birthday bash, arguably the most important party of my life to date, and having nobody show up was nearly crippling. That is why I felt that this task needed to be included as part of my birthday challenge.

The lesson to learn here is that I deserve to celebrate, and it doesn't matter if nobody else wants to celebrate with me. I needed to be completely OK with this concept. As soon as I let go of whether or not people would actually show up, then it was easy to call IHOP and say 20 people would be coming. It's a funny thing in life that when you stop worrying about what other people think, it allows you to think about other people. And, when you think about other people, they, in turn, think about you. I became a lot less self-absorbed, which strangely enough made me a lot more confident, and personable. It was a really good lesson to learn.

Plan a party! #40daysto40 #birthdaychallenge #everyoneisinvited #IHOPonmybirthday #breakfastfoodsaremyfavorite #29daystogo

— Stacy Snider (@StacyLeeSnider) April 24, 2017

Day 11 of the #40daysto40 #birthdaychallenge Madness

Day 11: April 22, 2017
Challenge: Buy Something Frivolous

For much of my life, I have lived under the presumption that I don't deserve things that I want just because I want them. If I want something, I have to justify getting it: Is it cost effective? Do I need it? Will I get a lot of use out of it? Can I eat it? and so on. I have denied myself a lot of things because of this presumption. Then, after much denial, I splurge and buy something ridiculous - usually food - that puts me in debt or makes me ill and makes me feel guilty for spending money that I shouldn't have spent. Then I start denying myself again, even to the point of not allowing myself things that I probably need (new clothes, household items, etc.). This cycle has consumed most of my adult life, and it needs to stop.

The first step was to convince myself that I could have something I wanted just because I wanted it, I don't have to justify what I want to anyone, not even myself, I just have to check that I'm not going into debt and keeping my budget balanced. So this challenge was to find something that I wanted for no other reason that I wanted it. I went to the store, and started looking around. On the shelf I saw a Spirograph. I remember when I was in 6th grade several of the students in my class had one of these things, and I thought they were dead cool. I wanted one so badly, but mom said I didn't need it so I couldn't have it. Well, now I have one. It was fun and frivolous. I've used it all of one time since I bought it, so I definitely didn't get my money's worth, but it was still worth it. It was something that I wanted for no other reason than I wanted it.

One frivolous purchase is not going to change a lifetime of bad spending habits and self-loathing. And I've still had some spending splurges (can anyone say "new car"?), but I've learned that I am worthy of fun things, I deserve to have things I want. With that in mind, it's been a lot easier to create and stick to a budget, and I don't binge on food, music, or movies nearly as often as I used to because I'm not denying myself as much any more.

So, go get yourself something fun!

Buy something you've always secretly wanted but never got because it's frivolous! #40daysto40 #birthdaychallenge #funbutuseless pic.twitter.com/b0C70lYHu4

— Stacy Snider (@StacyLeeSnider) April 22, 2017