The thing about not having kids is that I never have to worry about child-proofing my home. I never have to worry about school fees, or bullies, or helping with homework that I don't understand. I never have to worry about nutrition, and diet, and schedules, and the great vaccine debate (I'm very pro, but have close friends and family that are anti). I'll never have to worry about driver's ed, and insuring a teenage driver, and where on earth is that kid at 1:30 in the morning? I'll never have to worry about first dates, or college applications, or tuition to that school that I really can't afford, but still want to find a way because I want my child to have the best.
The thing about not having kids is that I want them. I want them so badly that every bone in my body aches at the knowledge that I'll never hold them. Every fiber of my being trembles at the fact that I'll never get to worry about all the silly things that mothers worry about.
The unfairness of life is sometimes too hard to bear, and I don't know how to do it. I don't know what to do, or how to get started. I'm so sad, so very sad.
I can't even find solace in my faith right now, nor do I know if I want to. I'm angry, so very angry.
I trusted God when I was abused. I trusted when my parents got divorced and my "friends" abandoned me. I trusted when I injured my wrist and lost my dream of being a professional musician. I trusted through cancer, loneliness, losing my grandmother, losing my mother, singlehood, buying and then fixing up a house, and every other aspect of my life. I knew that God had a plan for me, and that even if it didn't make sense to me, He was preparing me for something good.
But I'm not sure I can keep trusting like this, it's so hard. I'm tired, so very tired.
All I can see right now, all I can feel, is abandonment, loss, and despair. "Why don't I get to be a mother?" I cry at the heavens. "Why do crack addicts, and teenagers, and people who don't want them get to have babies, but I don't?" The heavens are silent. There is no answer. There is no comfort. There is no peace. I feel alone, so very alone.
The thing about not having kids is that I want them. I want them so badly that every bone in my body aches at the knowledge that I'll never hold them. Every fiber of my being trembles at the fact that I'll never get to worry about all the silly things that mothers worry about.
The unfairness of life is sometimes too hard to bear, and I don't know how to do it. I don't know what to do, or how to get started. I'm so sad, so very sad.
I can't even find solace in my faith right now, nor do I know if I want to. I'm angry, so very angry.
I trusted God when I was abused. I trusted when my parents got divorced and my "friends" abandoned me. I trusted when I injured my wrist and lost my dream of being a professional musician. I trusted through cancer, loneliness, losing my grandmother, losing my mother, singlehood, buying and then fixing up a house, and every other aspect of my life. I knew that God had a plan for me, and that even if it didn't make sense to me, He was preparing me for something good.
But I'm not sure I can keep trusting like this, it's so hard. I'm tired, so very tired.
All I can see right now, all I can feel, is abandonment, loss, and despair. "Why don't I get to be a mother?" I cry at the heavens. "Why do crack addicts, and teenagers, and people who don't want them get to have babies, but I don't?" The heavens are silent. There is no answer. There is no comfort. There is no peace. I feel alone, so very alone.
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